Are you finding yourselves entrenched in a cycle of conflicts or disconnection in your relationship? Does any of this resonate with your experience:
- We are generally quiet but have moments of explosions that leave one or both of us reeling.
- We use sarcasm and subtle jabs as the language of daily interactions.
- We engage in constant conflict with sharp words and harsh tones becoming the norm.
- Most conversations seem to end with irritation and bickering.
- We experience relentless criticism and nitpicking, making every conversation feel like a minefield.
- We have frequent, intense arguments that seem to come out of nowhere.
- We are stuck in cyclical fights, where the same issues resurface time and again.
- Our conflicts escalate quickly into shouting matches.
- Our fights are marked by dramatic exits and slammed doors, leaving unresolved issues.
- Our conversations turn into passive-aggressive exchanges, where silence and avoidance speak louder than words.
- Our disagreements evolve into a cold war, with every interaction feeling like a strategic move.
- Our arguments often lead to one partner shutting down and the other feeling frustrated, or we both withdraw emotionally, leaving a chasm of hurt and unspoken resentment.
- Our fights seem to be getting worse.
- Our issues never seem to get resolved.
- I feel unheard and misunderstood.
- I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering another fight.
- I feel mistreated and blamed.
- I feel numb from my partner’s hurtful words and actions.
- I feel taken advantage of.
- I feel disconnected and distant from my partner after every fight.
- I feel uncared for.
- I feel alone.
Read through the “I” statements again and imagine which ones your partner might say “yes, that is my experience.”
This is Intolerable
These unresolved chronic conflicts will significantly erode and destroy the emotional and physical well-being of your relationship. Research suggests that recurring arguments can erode the trust and intimacy in a relationship over time. It is important to understand that when you and your partner are entrenched in your cycle, it is not only the two of you in the room. Behavioral patterns learned in childhood can often resurface in adult relationships, contributing to conflict. Emotional triggers and past experiences often play a key role in how conflicts escalate. The differences can be attributed to you and your partner’s autonomic disposition, your families of origin, your past experiences before this relationship, and the length of this relationship with its history of unmet expectations. Unresolved conflicts often stem from deeper, underlying issues that need to be addressed.
What to Expect in Therapy
Understanding the dynamics of power struggles can help explain why some arguments spiral out of control. When I work with couples who are in these cycles, I tend to focus more on the process than the content. How you engage and how you deflect is sometimes more relevant than what the argument in the moment is about. Conflicts can be thought of as a feedback loop. One of you is the speaker and one is the mic. What one does triggers the other who reacts, which then triggers the first one who reacts to that trigger, and so on. If each triggered interaction causes a stronger emotional insult, then the conversation escalates. Together we will explore the structure of your feedback pattern and how each of you contributes to the system. We will identify inefficient strategies and behaviors that impede clarity and healthy repairs. We will work toward understanding the underlying issues in both ourselves and our partner.
Our goal is to help transform these moments of disconnection into opportunities for growth and connection.